Life Lessons with Valerie

For about a week and a half, my summer in California was a little bit crazy and scary. Not because I was overwhelmed with work or the new life there, but because of the fact that I was stuck with a psychopath in our apartment. She wasn’t even in the program: she’s a girl our instructor was doing a favor for. She’s rude, she’s loud, she’s belligerent… it’s appropriate to call her the suitemate from hell.

Lets begin with the fact that she threatened my roommate to fight her and beat her up before the summer is over. And this was within hours of meeting her. Because that’s what she does in her free time and actually enjoys it a lot. That’s what she looks forward to the most when she goes home: getting into fights with random people when she’s drunk.

Lets add to that the fact that she cusses like there’s no tomorrow and calls everybody, even her coworkers and boss, a stupid bitch and assholes. To their faces. While heavily intoxicated. True story because she told us that Friday night we made the mistake of going out with her.

And lets add also the fact that she stole alcohol from me, had attempted to before when I wasn’t home, barged into the apartment screaming and cursing like crazy at 3 in the morning while, again, heavily intoxicated, never cleaned any of her shit, told us about her inappropriate sleaziness and how she fucks people on the couch, thought was pregnant and wanted to get an abortion and asked my roommate to go with her to the clinic despite the fact they had known each other for less than 48 hours, and also wont do anything but sit at home and watch Netflix while the rest of us attempt to do work for our internships and classes by sharing the internet. Like I said, it is appropriate to call her the suitemate from hell.

The day after we met her she turned 22 and her friends ditched her so we went out to a bar with her. In a nutshell, she had already gotten into fights with people within an hour of being there, made a really bad impression on people she had just met, and scared the crap out of me and drove me to the point of propping an ironing board against the door to prevent her from coming into our room like she did that night. She’s beyond disrespectful and has no respect for anyone or anything. Except for weed. She’s a massive pothead. Yeah, she loves weed and would probably give up her first child for large supplies of it.

I had no other option but to talk to our instructor, twice, to handle the situation because I couldnt anymore. I was at a point where I was about to explode. Things got worse when he told her not to approach us or associate with us during her stay, and so she would return home every day with massive amounts of alcohol and pass out from drinking on the couch. My roommate’s boyfriend actually had to pick her up and take her into her room because she was non-responsive. We actually thought she had died.

After many complaints, she finally moved out and we never saw her again. And the rest of our summer was amazing. But seriously though, next time I’m Googling, Facebooking, and stalking in general the next girl who lives with me to avoid this.

Pearce out.

For Homecoming this year, a bunch of alumni returned to campus. My friend Linda stayed at my apartment and it was sooo great to catch up and gossip. Of course she wanted to celebrate and go out, so we went out to a few bars and parties that weekend. This one story happened that Friday, when we stopped by one of the bars after a long day of day drinking and catching up with old friends. We made it in, and after a while, we found ourselves surrounded by former football players who were trying to make a move on a bunch of us.

And in comes Travis Harrison - the star of the football team… three years ago. And he still acts as if he owns the world. Well excuse me, mister, but you are no longer relevant and that “swag” is unnecessary. You. Got. No. Game.

AAANYWAYYY…. homeboy decides hes gonna creepily hit on me and make me feel awkward. Ew. I’m not drunk enough to tolerate your cheesy lines and I’m very sketched out that you know my name, last name, the name of the high school I attended, and my favorite book. Who the heck does that?

Well, long story short, the bar’s closing and we’re all heading home. But homeboy decides he’s gonna go home with me. But yours truly would never EVER hook up with him, let alone spend more than 10 minutes with Mr. Douche. And that’s when things got ugly: seeing that I was turning HIM down, he got upset and started calling me a “mean ass bitch” over and over. And he dragged into the conversation this loser kid who thinks is cool, but he’s just a male cheerleader. (Seriously man, did you suck so much at football that you could only be a cheerleader?? I have no idea.) Point is, they start attacking me and I got feisty and walked away.

The next day after the football game I ran into him again at the same bar. And he tried to talk all sorts of sweet to me and I was not having it. So he finally walked away after admitting defeat for the second time.

Mr. Douche has since unfriended me on Facebook and proceeded to smear my name but that’s alright. We all know you’re only doing that cuz you’re a has-been, you lost your chance to play for an NFL team, and you are irrelevant now. I feel sorry for you, but dude, just keep walking.

Pearce out.

A while ago, a confidential source reported that there had been a maaaajor scandal in my home town. Here’s the sitch:

Theres this lady named Alice, she’s married and with two children. She plays flag football and apparently is very well known. Turns out, she was banging her flag football coach, Jeremy, who’s 8 years her junior. Alice’s husband suspected of her cheating, so he hired a private investigator and found out he was correct and Alice was in fact cheating on him with Jeremy. 

Scandal ensued and a marriage was destroyed. Cool bro. You just ruined a marriage and possibly scarred these two kids for life.

It so happened that after that scandal broke out and people started discussing it and commenting about it, it was discovered that his mother, named Ericka, and his sister, named Amanda, were all in the loop and not only did they enable him to pursue this affair, but they endorsed it and were happy for him.

It get’s better - people found out afterwards that Amanda herself was involved in a scandal of her own. She’s about 20-going-on-21 and goes to school at home. And she’s banging this dude named Matthew, who’s engaged to marry this girl named Laura. There’s a twist in this story: Laura is cousins with three of Amanda’s friends. And Laura herself was an acquantaince of Amanda. And Amanda’s mom knew about this affair also, and just like her son’s affair, she endorsed and enabled Amanda’s.

BUT IT DOESNT END HERE: A few months back, Ericka herself was involved in a huge scandal, too! It so happens that Ericka and her husband were having problems and her husband filed for divorce. She refused to give him the divorce, and he decided that he was going to strip her off her luxuries, which included a practice, a membership to a prestigeous country club, and her fabulous apartment with ocean view front, as long as she didnt sign the divorce papers. He even started dating another woman, and paraded her around the country club to embarrass Ericka. Long story short, Ericka had no other choice but to sign the divorce papers.

So this is a family surrounded by scandals that put Gossip Girl’s van Der Woodsen family to shame. I suggest you change your name and leave town cuz there’s no way you’ll bounce back from the huge ass mess you’ve all made.

Pearce out.

No, we didnt necessarily have a real breaking and entering situation in our apartment this summer. But we did have a somewhat similar situation if you consider a lizard casually breaking into my apartment and hanging out in my room as a break in.

I named him G.I. Lizard – because he sneaked up on me and my roommate in the middle of the night. His cover was blown Monday, July 18th, as we were getting ready for The Price Is Right, when I lifted my hair straightener’s pouch and found him underneath it, next to my blowdryer.

Let’s recap: a lizard, in my room, at 7 in the morning. Let’s also add that I am dead scared of all sorts of animals and insects. So naturally, I freaked out. And started screaming, because that’s what I do when these creepy crawlers come close to me within a 10 mile radius.

I must say, if it hadn’t been for our guy friend, Alex, who rescued us that morning, I’m pretty sure I would have packed my bags and left the apartment.

Pearce out.